The New Normal

Just like that, she's gone.

The last few months flew by. One minute we were in the middle of scholarship applications and picking out prom dresses. The next minute I was helping my daughter and her best friend set up their dorm room. 

Memories of graduation parties, sweet good-byes, frantic shopping, and the occasional anxiety attack are clustered together into one bittersweet milestone for my daughter, my husband, and me. 

The new normal begins. Quiet house, infrequent visits from her friends that I've known for years -- kids I've grown attached to and miss almost as much as my daughter. 

As much as I hate seeing her empty room, I know this is normal and this is good. We are privileged and lucky to send our daughter off to school, and she is living the dream. 

This is a good place to be. I'm just gonna have to get used to it.

More about the empty nest years

• It's Time for a Hobby
• Leaning In During the Empty Nest Years

The view from her dorm room.

Managing Senioritis

We have a major case of senioritis in my home. My oldest is a senior in college, my youngest is a senior in high school, and they are both so ready to move on.

So am I. After almost 18 years of parenting my children through the public school system and four years of public college, I am also ready to put it behind me. The past two decades have been great, and I think I was as involved as a parent could be. I'll miss some of it -- field trips were always a lot of fun, as were the band concerts, football, and volleyball games, science projects, and class parties. But my interest mirrors my kids' enthusiasm, so I am just going through the motions until graduation day.

I find I no longer read the eblasts from the high school that arrive in my inbox, and I'm allowing my youngest to write her own tardy notes, sign my name to field trip permission forms, or anything else she might need to turn in. Graduation is three months away but I've already checked out, and I know my children certainly have. My oldest spends time online looking at graduate programs, and my youngest is talking about decorating her dorm room and picking a college major.

How do you know if your child has senioritis? Symptoms vary from student to student, but typically they include:

• Increased tardiness or cutting class
• Incomplete assignments
• A slip in grades
• Almost constant socializing
• Lack of motivation, laziness
• Homework avoidance
• Impatience with school teachers, administrators, coaches, parents
• Fantasizing about summer, college, the beach

My affliction is slightly different than my children's. I no longer check my daughter's grades online and am way more concerned with finding scholarship opportunities than anything going on at the school. I'm also thinking about taking over my daughter's closet when she moves out -- maybe moving my winter clothes in there to make more space in my own overcrowded wardrobe.

I know any attempts to keep my kids motivated will likely fail, so I keep the nagging to a minimum reminding them that the finish line is within sight and wouldn't it be nice to finish strong? But I know this is all a done deal, and I suspect they can hear my own waning enthusiasm in the tone of my voice. As long as they keep their grades reasonably strong, and walk across the stage to accept their degree/diploma, I am satisfied.

A job well done, on all accounts. Let's see what happens next.

More on Empty Nesting

• Purging the Empty Nest
• Four Things Every Empty Nester Should Do

Four Things Empty Nesters Must Do

Your days of go-go-go are over, and your hard work has hopefully paid off. Your children are grown and gone and now it's time to turn your attention to your new life.

Oh, there will be tears (if you're anything like me). But you always knew that one day your kids would be out of the house and you would be left to figure out the rest of your life.

This may be easy for some, but harder for others. Many parents look forward to the empty nest years and see them as a time to lean in on careers, travel, or even redecorate the playroom. Others may marinade in a solution of restlessness, and may even think the only mark they've left on the world just moved out to begin their own life.

It doesn't matter where you fall on the empty nest emotional spectrum, if you want to make the most of the rest of your life you'll need to be proactive. How so? The answer is it depends. There isn't just one right path or one way to find fulfillment and happiness. To be honest, I think every empty nester needs to do these four things to begin and take control over life's next phase.

1. Grieve (or not). You may know parents who celebrate when the last child moves out, or who immediately embrace and thrive in an empty nest household. That's great for them, but if you don't feel as jubilant it's OK to grieve a little. Raising children can be a lot of fun, and having young children in your life can give you a sense of purpose that nothing else could ever come close to bringing. It's OK to grieve a little, and if you do, don't beat yourself up about it. You're entitled to be a little down, for a little while anyway. Give yourself a reasonable amount of time to work through your feelings. Once you have it's time to move forward.

2. Gather Your Support System. A support system is critical to getting through change and difficult times. Be sure you find your support system, be it friends, neighbors, co-workers, relatives, or pets. Surround yourself with people who will listen, encourage, and hold you accountable.

3. Embrace Ideas. You probably spent years nurturing your child's interests and passions, but now it's time for you to find interests of your own. Don't feel like you have to commit to any one thing, you can take a little time trying things out to see what you really want to do. You may decide to take up a hobby, take a class, or even start a business.

4. Write a Plan. The empty nest years are as important as any other phase of your life and to make the most of them you'll need a plan. Plan your hopes, goals, and expectations for 1, 3 and 5 years. What do you want to be doing? Where will your career be? What are your travel goals, your home life goals, your health goals? Be specific about where you want to be, and then chart your step-by-step path to achieving those goals.

Getting Ready for the Boomerang

My empty nest won't last long, apparently. My oldest child is planning to move home (at least for a while) after she graduates from college this May. One child will leave, another will return. It's like I have a revolving front door.

I'm thrilled my oldest wants to come home, but I know there will be changes and my family will have to set down new rules for everyone. I have to get used to living with an adult child, and my daughter will have to get used to being that adult.

If you think your children would never attempt to boomerang, you might want to think again. The number of young adults living with their parents is the highest it's been in 75 years. According to a recent study by the Pew Research Center, 33 percent of 25 to 29 year-olds lived with their parents or grandparents in 2016 -- almost three times as many as in 1970.

Young adults often have no choice but to move home to help them get their footing. The rising cost of college and low starter job wages can take the blame.

My daughter has school loans to repay, and may even end up going back to school for a second degree so moving home only makes sense. While I will enjoy having her home for a while and it will be fun to have someone around to bing watch Parks and Recreation, I also know I have to set some ground rules for both of us.

Here's what I've decided so far:

• One of the main reasons my daughter is moving home is to tackle her student loans. She will have to make this a priority above all else, including spending money on trips, clothes, and decor.
• I will help but not hover. My child is an adult now and that means my role as a parent has changed. I can recommend, but not demand. I can suggest, but that's where my influence really ends. I can't make any major decisions for my child, but I can help her find a path to making the best decision she can. 
• Roommates have to have ground rules, and that means a frank discussion about chores and other household responsibilities. I won't be making dinner every night like I used to when the kids were growing up. I will need help with housekeeping, so we'll divide daily and weekly chores so that everyone makes a contribution. 
• Independence will be super important to her, after all, she's lived on her own for four years and moving home will be difficult for her. I will have to respect her right to privacy and alone time and make sure she has a space to call her own. 
• The ultimate goal is for my daughter to eventually move out and into her own space. I'll help her any way I can, but she'll have to take the lead on establishing a plan, saving for an apartment, and learning to live within a budget. 
• Expectations will have to be clear for both of us, but circumstances change and that means we will have to stay in communication about goals, expectations, budgets, chores, and other responsibilities. I expect many conversations taking place around the kitchen table.

Leaning In During the Empty Nest Years

I've been a working mom for more than 20 years, and while there were some challenging moments and hectic years I have to admit I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed raising my children, and I enjoyed my career. I had both, and feel fortunate and proud to have pulled it off.

Looking back I don't know how we did it -- I don't know how any working parents do it all. But everything that needed to happen happened. Every deadline was met. Every parent/teacher conference was attended by someone. Every homework assignment completed. And dinner hit the table every night, even if it was just fish sticks and frozen mac and cheese. 

My working life is a tad easier these days. I'm no longer racing home to meet a bus, or take someone to piano lessons. I can stay late, I can work weekends, and I can dream big. 

I didn't put my career on hold while my children were growing up, but I did pace myself because I felt I needed to. My husband's career was demanding and quite frankly, I felt I needed to concentrate on our kids. So I turned down juicy job offers and concentrated on keeping positions that worked for my family. I don't have to do that anymore, and I've been thinking about what my next career steps might be. 

This blog is one of those steps. I've been wanting to build a blog of my own, and take the time to do it right. It's all very exciting and fun, and I'm getting a real kick out of it. I'm also thinking about other career goals I might want to tackle. I'm up for anything and would love to make the most of my next decade of the working life. I'll be sure to keep you posted on anything big, but for now, the fact that I go after whatever I want is really exciting. 

I'm ready. 

My kids are grown. 

I'm leaning in.

More on the Empty Nest Years

• Embracing Myself Despite Myself
• Returning to Work After Kids

Time for a Hobby (or two)

Before I had children I enjoyed a long list of hobbies and interests: travel; baking; reading; photography; gardening; watching old movies, etc. I was rarely bored. But after my oldest was born those interests faded away one by one. 

I did this by choice. I found new interests and hobbies -- activities that revolved around my kids. I truly enjoyed all of them: scouting; sports; music and theatre. If my kids were interested in something, so was I. Of course, the downside is now that I have an "almost" empty nest I'm faced with figuring out what my interests are now. How will I spend my free time when there are no practices, games, concerts, or campouts? 

I don't think much has changed since 1997. I'm still wanting to travel, bake (occasionally), read (a lot), and garden (a little). I also want to learn about other things, new things, even things I know I have little or no talent for. I've been experimenting with watercolors, and I'm enjoying the process, even if my creations are nothing spectacular. I've also tried my hand at bookbinding and I'm thinking about taking a few classes in subjects I know nothing about. This is really an exciting time for me, and I'm not going to rush into any commitment. I'll dabble here and there, and see where it takes me.

About a year ago I joined Skillshare, an online educational community. It's proven to be money well spent. I've watched close to thirty educational videos on a variety of subjects, and I have a growing list of videos that I want to watch. It's been a great way to get me started, and also to encourage me to keep going.

What about you? How did you find new interests or hobbies after your children left home? Or, are you struggling to find a new passion after years of self-neglect and sacrifice?

What Winter Brings

Winter gives me a legitimate excuse to do the things I enjoy most -- reading, binge-watching Netflix, and relaxing on cold, wintry weekends with hot tea and sweet baked goods. I need these months to regroup and prepare myself for the busier spring and summer months ahead.

This year, in particular, is likely to bring a whirlwind of activities: two graduations; college orientation; moving both children (one from home to college, the other from college to home); and who knows what else? And then there's the emotional toll all of these activities will take on me.

I've never been really great at managing change. A person of habit, change throws me off for a bit. If my children are going through a difficult time, that also wears me down emotionally, as I assume it does most parents. And they will go through tough times. Navigating from college to the real world is an adjustment, and heading off to college for the first time can also offer up challenges and feelings. I know my kids will have their ups and downs, as will I.

I will celebrate the wonderful changes that are coming our way, but I've lived long enough to know that there is no escaping the blowback from change, and those unexpected life events that pop up out of nowhere to let us know how fragile and vulnerable we all are. I guess I've been preparing myself lately for those as well.

That's why I have given myself full permission to take advantage of every potential moment to relax and engage in a little selfish indulging this winter. Every moment I can use to recharge is well worth the time it's given. I need these moments, and that means my family needs them, too.

Are the Young Adult Years the Hardest Phase of Parenting?

I find the young adult phase of parenting to be simultaneously the easiest and the hardest as a mom. Easy because there is no more childcare involved. My kids are independent -- feeding and driving themselves, managing their own time, and for the most part making their own decisions, both large and small. 

But this phase also presents a number of challenges to a parent. It's hard to refrain from holding back when you think your child might be making a bad decision. (It's also hard sometimes to know whether or not they actually are making a bad decision.) And choices at this age come with consequences, sometimes really harsh consequences. Something as minor as changing a college major can result in thousands more in student loans, for example. Don't get me started on the blowback of toxic friendships, unrequited love, or even true love. 

Girls, I suspect, may have the most to lose if they don't stay focused and determined at this age. How many friends can you name that gave up on careers or dreams of travel because of a relationship, or even the inability to make a decision? I'm not judging, just thinking, and hoping my kids hold off on certain decisions until they've knocked a couple of things off their own bucket lists. 

I certainly don't want my children to rush into any big life decisions, but I do sometimes think that it's a race against the clock. Get an education and start your career before something, or someone distracts you, I think to myself, and sometimes out loud. 

Yes, this might be the hardest phase of parenting, It's a nailbiter, for sure.

More on The Empty Nest Years

• Embracing the Looming Empty Nest
• Celebrating College Acceptance Letters

The Last One - The Buffer is Gone

When it was time to help our oldest move away from home it was exciting and tough all at once. But one thing that helped me through the transition was the fact that I still had a child at home.

My youngest gave me permission to do all the things I enjoy about parenting. The four-year buffer between the two children gave me plenty of time to go to high school volleyball games, help with school projects, bake brownies for fundraising events, advise on clothes and boys, and smooth over bad days. Things changed, but for the most part, my role was still the same.

This time, that won't be the case. There is no buffer. The home we return to after our youngest leaves for school will be without a child -- just an empty nest of memories, cats, and the thing I"m most afraid of -- quiet. And my role as a parent and my husband's role will change. We will go from active parenting to parenting from afar. From micro to macro. We'll still be mom and dad to our two offspring, but more as advisors. At least, that's what I expect it will be like if all goes well.

And that's something to celebrate because it means that we did our jobs as mom and dad, and now it's time for a well-deserved rest. But I know myself, and I know that there will be some ups and downs in this new empty nest of ours. I'll do my best to stay busy, but I know I need to get ahead of some of the emotions I'll feel now. I'll be anxious about my children living away from me, I'll worry about them, and I'll also feel some guilt. Guilt that I didn't save enough for college, guilt that I didn't get to do all the things I'd hoped we do as a family, guilt that I might have been too stern or too passive as a parent.

I have to get ahead of those negative feelings now before they settle in and get too comfortable.  Beating myself up isn't going to help anyone, and it's not fair. We did the best we could, and that has to be enough. I know it is for my kids, and it has to be for me as well.

More on The Empty Nest Years

• Embracing the Looming Empty Nest
• Celebrating College Acceptance Letters

The Van of My Dreams

If I had to choose one possession that would serve as an icon of my two decades of parenting children it would be my Honda Odyssey minivan. We bought the vehicle when my youngest daughter had just turned one, still in diapers and barely walking. 

I remember chasing her and her older sister in the showroom while my husband worked out the details of the purchase in the sales manager's office. We never expected then that nearly 18 years later, the van would still be our "go to" vehicle and likely responsible for hauling our youngest and her belonging to her freshman dorm come this fall. 

I am emotionally attached to this vehicle. My family, not so much. But I still love this old van and am grateful to have had it so long. I can't even remember all the family vacations we took in the van, or the number of times I carted kids to and from school, campouts, practice, summer camp, and piano lessons. 

The family budget is really tight these days, due to college and a job loss, and hopefully, our van will hang in there for another 100,000 miles. But even if it doesn't it has earned an important spot in our family lore. And my memories, in particular. 

More on Making the Most of the Empty Nest Years

• Making the Most of the Empty Nest Years
• Celebrating College Acceptance Letters

The Looming Empty Nest -- Embracing it Despite Myself

I started this blog because my life is about to change, and there's nothing I can do about it. When my youngest heads off to college this fall everything will be different. The days of carpooling, helping with homework, staying up waiting for her to come home from dates, and hearing her and her friends giggle late at night will be over. I enjoyed it all so much, but I gotta move on.

So, I'm slowly developing a plan --a blueprint that will prepare me for the empty nest I'll be living in.

Here's what I have so far:

• I am going to enjoy a little peace and quiet for a little while. My husband and I spent 22 years parenting our daughters, and we did a pretty good job, if I may say so. I think it's only fair that we allow ourselves a little time to bask in the glory of a job well done. 

• I am making lists of things I've wanted to do these past two decades but never got around to because I was busy raising children and working. I have lists for books I want to read, classes I want to take, and movies I want to watch. Major traveling is out while our kids are in college, but there are some close-to-home destinations I'd like to visit. 

• I want to pet more dogs. We have a house of cats and bringing a dog into the mix just wouldn't work right now, but I do love them and I want to make time for them. My youngest used to volunteer at our local animal shelter and she truly enjoyed it. I think I can find the time to work some volunteer hours into my own schedule.

• My home is in fairly good shape for all the living that goes on here, but there are closets and drawers that clearly need attention. I've been watching Tidying Up with Marie Kondo on Netflix, and I'm learning a lot about how to declutter your home, to make the most of what's important. 

• Civic engagement has always been important to me and I would like to boost my participation in a number of organizations and causes. The hard part will be figuring out which ones get my time and attention.

• It's time for me to throw some attention to my husband, who has been waiting patiently on the sidelines for more than 20 years. It will be fun (and a little weird) when it's just the two of us again!

• I will no longer have an excuse to skip the gym or neglect my health. I can't say that I'll become a gym rat, but if I can work two or three workouts into my schedule every week, I'll be happy. 

More on Setting Goals for the Empty Nest Years

• Purging the Empty Nest
• How to Thrive in an Empty Nest

Just Call Me "The Lunch Lady"

For seven years I prepared my youngest daughter's school lunch everyday. When she hit middle school she happily took over the daily responsibility, and I happily agreed. She never much cared for my food and snack choices, and I was willing to delegate any chore that I could. But we have a new routine this year, her senior year of high school, and I have to admit I'm enjoying it.

Two or three times a week she asks me to make her lunch. I rarely refuse. While she gets ready for school, running around the house like a blur, I throw together a sandwich, some veggies and dip, and something for dessert. There will only be so many opportunities for me to do this for her so I'm making the most of them.

Still her mom, but also the lunch lady. I'm perfectly fine with that.


More About Teen Lunches

• Healthy Lunch Ideas for Teens
• Blogs for Kids' Lunch Inspiration

Purging the Empty Nest

I just stumbled on the new hot show on Netflix, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. Marie is an expert on organizing and the author of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. In the show, Marie (who is Japanese and uses an interpreter) visits American homes and helps the occupants purge and prioritize their spaces. She is truly remarkable, and is really more of a therapist than an organizer.

Her respect for the people she works with, and for their homes, seems sincere and her positive enthusiasm no doubt is what truly motivates her clients.

I'd love to pick her brain for an hour or two and ask her about purging two decades of my children's art work, report cards, Mother's Day cards, and other sentimental items. Kondo says you should keep items that "spark joy" and let go of all the rest. But that's easier said than done.

What kind of mother throws out pictures of her kids? Even bad pictures. Is there a special place in hell for those moms? Playing with fate, that's what it would feel like to me. Same for report cards, love notes, and sweet little drawings.

Purging my soon-to-be empty nest is on the horizon, but for now I think I'll watch Kondo and try to glean a few good ideas from her show. I suspect I won't be able to completely embrace her approach. At least, not now. I'm not ready.

She's Never Home

It's occurred to me that my soon-to-be empty nest won't be much different from the one I'm living in now. My high school senior is hardly ever home these days. Between school, her friends, her boyfriend, extracurricular activities, and trips to the mall, my husband and I only catch glimpses of her as she runs in and out of the house.

Maybe college will allow us some quality time with her again? Maybe it will be a little easier to pin her down for a meal or (dare I suggest) an outing to the movies? I certainly hope so. I miss her already, and she's not even gone yet!

Celebrating College Acceptance Letters

My youngest worked diligently to get her college applications in early and her hard work has been rewarded. Before the holidays she heard from two schools, and another one just landed in our mailbox. All three acceptance letters!

It's been a joy to see her so excited, and I have to admit, I feel pretty good myself. All those years helping with homework, projects, field trips, and everything that went along with 12 years of public school have paid off.

But this isn't about me. It's about her. These colleges want her to be a part of their incoming class -- not me. We're equally excited. She hasn't made any decisions yet, and we have time before she has to commit. For now, we're just going to enjoy the glow that comes with the payoff of a job well done.

The Last Semester

My daughter's holiday break is over and today she heads back for her final semester of college. Banana bread is in the oven to go back with her, and I know she'll leave behind a few items that I'll end up shipping to her next week.

It's a routine I'm familiar with and like all routines it will change very soon. Now that I've gotten used to the college routine it's time for it to end. This summer we'll adjust to a new routine when she moves on to her next life milestone -- work, travel, who knows?

I'm a fairly flexible person, I can adjust.

It's very exciting to think about.

It Scares Me

Eleanore Roosevelt once said, "Do one thing every day that scares you."

And so I am. I am starting my blog on preparing for and facing the empty nest years.

I truly am scared. I know many parents welcome these years with open arms -- their jobs as parents (for the most part) is behind them, and so they celebrate. Me, not so much.

Parenting my daughters and seeing them through every phase of development has been a true joy, and there's nothing I love more than a house full of noisy, messy teenagers. That will all end very soon when my youngest daughter goes off to college this fall.

Stay with me and share your thoughts, stories and affirmations on these years. It's going to be a mixed bag, I know.