Four Things Empty Nesters Must Do

Your days of go-go-go are over, and your hard work has hopefully paid off. Your children are grown and gone and now it's time to turn your attention to your new life.

Oh, there will be tears (if you're anything like me). But you always knew that one day your kids would be out of the house and you would be left to figure out the rest of your life.

This may be easy for some, but harder for others. Many parents look forward to the empty nest years and see them as a time to lean in on careers, travel, or even redecorate the playroom. Others may marinade in a solution of restlessness, and may even think the only mark they've left on the world just moved out to begin their own life.

It doesn't matter where you fall on the empty nest emotional spectrum, if you want to make the most of the rest of your life you'll need to be proactive. How so? The answer is it depends. There isn't just one right path or one way to find fulfillment and happiness. To be honest, I think every empty nester needs to do these four things to begin and take control over life's next phase.

1. Grieve (or not). You may know parents who celebrate when the last child moves out, or who immediately embrace and thrive in an empty nest household. That's great for them, but if you don't feel as jubilant it's OK to grieve a little. Raising children can be a lot of fun, and having young children in your life can give you a sense of purpose that nothing else could ever come close to bringing. It's OK to grieve a little, and if you do, don't beat yourself up about it. You're entitled to be a little down, for a little while anyway. Give yourself a reasonable amount of time to work through your feelings. Once you have it's time to move forward.

2. Gather Your Support System. A support system is critical to getting through change and difficult times. Be sure you find your support system, be it friends, neighbors, co-workers, relatives, or pets. Surround yourself with people who will listen, encourage, and hold you accountable.

3. Embrace Ideas. You probably spent years nurturing your child's interests and passions, but now it's time for you to find interests of your own. Don't feel like you have to commit to any one thing, you can take a little time trying things out to see what you really want to do. You may decide to take up a hobby, take a class, or even start a business.

4. Write a Plan. The empty nest years are as important as any other phase of your life and to make the most of them you'll need a plan. Plan your hopes, goals, and expectations for 1, 3 and 5 years. What do you want to be doing? Where will your career be? What are your travel goals, your home life goals, your health goals? Be specific about where you want to be, and then chart your step-by-step path to achieving those goals.

What Winter Brings

Winter gives me a legitimate excuse to do the things I enjoy most -- reading, binge-watching Netflix, and relaxing on cold, wintry weekends with hot tea and sweet baked goods. I need these months to regroup and prepare myself for the busier spring and summer months ahead.

This year, in particular, is likely to bring a whirlwind of activities: two graduations; college orientation; moving both children (one from home to college, the other from college to home); and who knows what else? And then there's the emotional toll all of these activities will take on me.

I've never been really great at managing change. A person of habit, change throws me off for a bit. If my children are going through a difficult time, that also wears me down emotionally, as I assume it does most parents. And they will go through tough times. Navigating from college to the real world is an adjustment, and heading off to college for the first time can also offer up challenges and feelings. I know my kids will have their ups and downs, as will I.

I will celebrate the wonderful changes that are coming our way, but I've lived long enough to know that there is no escaping the blowback from change, and those unexpected life events that pop up out of nowhere to let us know how fragile and vulnerable we all are. I guess I've been preparing myself lately for those as well.

That's why I have given myself full permission to take advantage of every potential moment to relax and engage in a little selfish indulging this winter. Every moment I can use to recharge is well worth the time it's given. I need these moments, and that means my family needs them, too.

Are the Young Adult Years the Hardest Phase of Parenting?

I find the young adult phase of parenting to be simultaneously the easiest and the hardest as a mom. Easy because there is no more childcare involved. My kids are independent -- feeding and driving themselves, managing their own time, and for the most part making their own decisions, both large and small. 

But this phase also presents a number of challenges to a parent. It's hard to refrain from holding back when you think your child might be making a bad decision. (It's also hard sometimes to know whether or not they actually are making a bad decision.) And choices at this age come with consequences, sometimes really harsh consequences. Something as minor as changing a college major can result in thousands more in student loans, for example. Don't get me started on the blowback of toxic friendships, unrequited love, or even true love. 

Girls, I suspect, may have the most to lose if they don't stay focused and determined at this age. How many friends can you name that gave up on careers or dreams of travel because of a relationship, or even the inability to make a decision? I'm not judging, just thinking, and hoping my kids hold off on certain decisions until they've knocked a couple of things off their own bucket lists. 

I certainly don't want my children to rush into any big life decisions, but I do sometimes think that it's a race against the clock. Get an education and start your career before something, or someone distracts you, I think to myself, and sometimes out loud. 

Yes, this might be the hardest phase of parenting, It's a nailbiter, for sure.

More on The Empty Nest Years

• Embracing the Looming Empty Nest
• Celebrating College Acceptance Letters