The New Normal

Just like that, she's gone.

The last few months flew by. One minute we were in the middle of scholarship applications and picking out prom dresses. The next minute I was helping my daughter and her best friend set up their dorm room. 

Memories of graduation parties, sweet good-byes, frantic shopping, and the occasional anxiety attack are clustered together into one bittersweet milestone for my daughter, my husband, and me. 

The new normal begins. Quiet house, infrequent visits from her friends that I've known for years -- kids I've grown attached to and miss almost as much as my daughter. 

As much as I hate seeing her empty room, I know this is normal and this is good. We are privileged and lucky to send our daughter off to school, and she is living the dream. 

This is a good place to be. I'm just gonna have to get used to it.

More about the empty nest years

• It's Time for a Hobby
• Leaning In During the Empty Nest Years

The view from her dorm room.

Managing Senioritis

We have a major case of senioritis in my home. My oldest is a senior in college, my youngest is a senior in high school, and they are both so ready to move on.

So am I. After almost 18 years of parenting my children through the public school system and four years of public college, I am also ready to put it behind me. The past two decades have been great, and I think I was as involved as a parent could be. I'll miss some of it -- field trips were always a lot of fun, as were the band concerts, football, and volleyball games, science projects, and class parties. But my interest mirrors my kids' enthusiasm, so I am just going through the motions until graduation day.

I find I no longer read the eblasts from the high school that arrive in my inbox, and I'm allowing my youngest to write her own tardy notes, sign my name to field trip permission forms, or anything else she might need to turn in. Graduation is three months away but I've already checked out, and I know my children certainly have. My oldest spends time online looking at graduate programs, and my youngest is talking about decorating her dorm room and picking a college major.

How do you know if your child has senioritis? Symptoms vary from student to student, but typically they include:

• Increased tardiness or cutting class
• Incomplete assignments
• A slip in grades
• Almost constant socializing
• Lack of motivation, laziness
• Homework avoidance
• Impatience with school teachers, administrators, coaches, parents
• Fantasizing about summer, college, the beach

My affliction is slightly different than my children's. I no longer check my daughter's grades online and am way more concerned with finding scholarship opportunities than anything going on at the school. I'm also thinking about taking over my daughter's closet when she moves out -- maybe moving my winter clothes in there to make more space in my own overcrowded wardrobe.

I know any attempts to keep my kids motivated will likely fail, so I keep the nagging to a minimum reminding them that the finish line is within sight and wouldn't it be nice to finish strong? But I know this is all a done deal, and I suspect they can hear my own waning enthusiasm in the tone of my voice. As long as they keep their grades reasonably strong, and walk across the stage to accept their degree/diploma, I am satisfied.

A job well done, on all accounts. Let's see what happens next.

More on Empty Nesting

• Purging the Empty Nest
• Four Things Every Empty Nester Should Do

Where to Look for College Scholarships

I'm taking a short break from helping my daughter with her scholarship applications. I never imagined that the scholarship hunt would be even more involved and time-consuming than the college application process, but it is. This is my second time around, having helped my oldest look for financial assistance four years ago.

There's a lot of misinformation circulating out there about scholarships. High school students are constantly told that scholarship money is out there, but they aren't told that you have to spend enormous amounts of time looking for that money, and once you find a potential scholarship you might not be eligible to apply. I wrestle with this a lot. What's the best use of time? Working a part-time job or applying for scholarships? Depends on who you ask, I suppose.

While my children and I are not experts on the subject of finding and landing scholarships, we have learned a few nuggets about places to look for scholarships that might not be well advertised.

Where to Search for Scholarship Opportunities

• First Stop, Guidance: College-bound students have to cultivate a good relationship with their high school guidance department. Guidance will help students search for scholarships, and they usually post scholarship opportunities on the school website or in the guidance office. A good relationship with a guidance counselor can make all the difference. Be sure your teen makes an effort to work with their school's office, and let them know that your family is actively looking for scholarship opportunities. 
• Local Civic Organizations: Local clubs and civic organizations, such as the Kiwanis, Lion's Club, or Ruritan Club typically offer annual scholarships to local teens. These scholarships are usually modest, but they can add up. Many civic organizations want to see that your teen has leadership experience or volunteer experience in your community.
• Small Businesses: The small business community can be very generous to local students. These scholarships are usually advertised in local community newspapers or on the business's Facebook page. Business owners tend to favor students who attend their alma mater, or who plan on pursuing majors in their line of business. 
• Community Foundations: Any student looking for scholarship opportunities must touch base with their local community foundation. These foundations may administer scholarship funds and typically keep a database of scholarships in your city or community. Check the community foundation's website for scholarship information, and then follow up with a phone call to get the inside scoop on anything you think might be a good fit.
• Google: I kid you not, Google might be your greatest ally in finding scholarships. Google any combination of words that you think apply to your teen, such as "scholarships, Virginia, leadership" or "scholarships, Wyoming, film majors" etc. Have fun with Google and get creative with your searches, you may discover a scholarship that nobody else knows about.
• Your Employer: Investigate if your employer offers scholarships to children of their employees. These opportunities can be easy picking if your student has decent grades and an active extracurricular resume. Another potential scholarship source is professional associations. Be sure to check any associations that you belong to.
• Local Utility Companies, Banks, and Credit Unions: Banks, credit unions and utility companies often offer scholarships opportunities to the children of their customers. These aren't always well publicized so a check on the bank or utility website. 

More on Scholarships and College

• Streamlining the Scholarship Application Process
• The High Cost of Senior Year

Getting Ready for the Boomerang

My empty nest won't last long, apparently. My oldest child is planning to move home (at least for a while) after she graduates from college this May. One child will leave, another will return. It's like I have a revolving front door.

I'm thrilled my oldest wants to come home, but I know there will be changes and my family will have to set down new rules for everyone. I have to get used to living with an adult child, and my daughter will have to get used to being that adult.

If you think your children would never attempt to boomerang, you might want to think again. The number of young adults living with their parents is the highest it's been in 75 years. According to a recent study by the Pew Research Center, 33 percent of 25 to 29 year-olds lived with their parents or grandparents in 2016 -- almost three times as many as in 1970.

Young adults often have no choice but to move home to help them get their footing. The rising cost of college and low starter job wages can take the blame.

My daughter has school loans to repay, and may even end up going back to school for a second degree so moving home only makes sense. While I will enjoy having her home for a while and it will be fun to have someone around to bing watch Parks and Recreation, I also know I have to set some ground rules for both of us.

Here's what I've decided so far:

• One of the main reasons my daughter is moving home is to tackle her student loans. She will have to make this a priority above all else, including spending money on trips, clothes, and decor.
• I will help but not hover. My child is an adult now and that means my role as a parent has changed. I can recommend, but not demand. I can suggest, but that's where my influence really ends. I can't make any major decisions for my child, but I can help her find a path to making the best decision she can. 
• Roommates have to have ground rules, and that means a frank discussion about chores and other household responsibilities. I won't be making dinner every night like I used to when the kids were growing up. I will need help with housekeeping, so we'll divide daily and weekly chores so that everyone makes a contribution. 
• Independence will be super important to her, after all, she's lived on her own for four years and moving home will be difficult for her. I will have to respect her right to privacy and alone time and make sure she has a space to call her own. 
• The ultimate goal is for my daughter to eventually move out and into her own space. I'll help her any way I can, but she'll have to take the lead on establishing a plan, saving for an apartment, and learning to live within a budget. 
• Expectations will have to be clear for both of us, but circumstances change and that means we will have to stay in communication about goals, expectations, budgets, chores, and other responsibilities. I expect many conversations taking place around the kitchen table.

The High Cost of Senior Year

Having a high school senior is expensive, to say the least. I found this out four years ago and again this year. It's a shame you can't use 529 accounts to help you through the list of events, traditions, and senior responsibilities that over time add up to a considerable sum. And I'm not even referring to the college application cost, which is also very pricey.

I've truly been shocked at the amount of money families are expected to shell out during the senior year.  With so many families struggling economically it seems silly and frankly, a little mean spirited to keep placing demands on their budgets, but that's the way it is.

Whether you, your child, or both of you cover these costs, or avoid them alltogether is a family decision you'll have to make. We chose to cover some of them, and let our daughter make up the rest. A few of these "traditions" we passed on entirely. Of course, there are ways to get around some of these expenses and cut costs.

If your child is approaching the final year of high school, here are a few things you may need to save for ahead of time.

Senior Dues: Senior dues will vary from school to school but expect to pay between $35 and $70, or more. They typically cover costs such as a senior breakfast, graduation tickets, and other graduation events. Prepare to stroke a check at the beginning of the school year for senior dues. Many schools will waive the cost of senior dues for families going through economic struggles so speak up if you need to.

Yearbook: Even if your child passed on yearbooks for the first three years you'll probably want your student to have one for the final year. If you order early you can shave a few dollars off the cost, which is around $70. Additional fees apply if you want the yearbook inscribed with your child's name, or if you decide it needs a special protective covering (it doesn't).

Class Ring: Both my children opted out of class rings simply because they didn't like any of the designs. I would have gladly paid but didn't argue as the savings were considerable. Class rings cost between $100 to $400, depending on the vendor. (Hint: many people don't know that you can order class rings through Wal Mart and online at various vendors, so shop around to find a ring design that you like at a price you can afford.)

Prom: Prom can be a serious expense, for any couple. I got lucky when my daughter found her dress online for only $80, but the cost of a dress or tux rental, shoes, flowers, dinner, and tickets can exeed into the thousands. It's a good idea to sit down with your child ahead of prom season to discuss a budget and expectations.

The Senior Trip: Many schools plan annual senior trips for the soon-to-be graduates. They may go to the city overnight, to the beach, an amusement park, or something else entirely. You're lucky if your child's senior trip is just a trip to the lake or an amusement park. Weekend trips to New York City or expensive spa retreats may cost more than a semester of college tuition. Again, discussions will help you and your child decide if these extravagances are really doable. Skip them if they're not and put the money towards a family vacation, college, a car, or something else entirely.

Senior Portraits: The school will likely cover the cost of the senior picture (the traditional cap and gown photo, or drape/suit photo) for the yearbook. But senior portraits will be on you. Professional photographers can produce amazing photos of your child in a setting of your choice, but expect sessions to begin at $300. Photos, photo books, and graduation announcements will cost even more. Prepare to spend $700 minimum, for the session and any photos you might order.

Or, get creative and ask a family friend whose good with a camera to take the photos and print them yourself on Snapfish or elsewhere. We asked one of my daughter's friends to take her senior photos, and we were so pleased with the results. Her $50 fee was budget friendly, and her photos fantastic!

More on Senior Expenses

• Thrifty Ways to Save on Graduation Expenses
• Streamlining the College Scholarship Process

Streamlining the College Scholarship Process

If you think the college application process is time consuming, just wait. Searching for and applying for college scholarships is the real time consumer for many high school seniors and their parents.

If your child is hoping to snag a few scholarships before moving into his or her dorm, you'll need to prepare yourselves. Below are a few tips on streamlining the scholarship process for you and your soon-to-be college student.

How to Help Your Teen Through the Scholarship Process

• Set a Schedule - The scholarship search may be more time consuming than the college application process. You can't get through it all in a single day, or even a single weekend. The best way to plunge through is to break it down into digestible bites. You and your teen should agree to sit down regularly to work on scholarship opportunities. You may agree to mark off every Sunday afternoon, or every Monday evening for the chore. Develop a schedule and make sure you both stick to it.

• Start Early - You can begin your search for potential scholarships years before your child begins the application process. Begin the search when your child is a freshman or sophomore in high school, keeping a folder of grantors, their contact information (website, facebook page, etc.) and their list of requirements and deadlines. This will help you as the time to apply draws near. 

• Ask for Recommendations Early - Most scholarships require one or two personal recommendations to include in the application package. Make sure your student asks for these letters at the end of his or her junior year of high school. That way you'll have the letters ready to go when the senior year begins. As a general rule it's a good idea to have a recommendation from a teacher or school counselor, as well as one from a community member such as a employer, a coach, or a member of a civic organization such as the scouts, ruritans, or a volunteer organization. 

• Have Transcripts Ready to Go - Almost every scholarship application requires a school transcript, offical or unofficial. Make sure your child keeps a copy of his or her most recent transcript on file. Offical transcripts will have to come from your child's school counselor in a sealed envelope.

• Spend Time on Essays - Most scholarships require an essay from the applicant. Essays can vary from 250 words to more than 1,000. It's important to spend time on these essays, and to address the writing prompt thoroughly. Be sure the essays are edited and copyedited for spelling and grammar.

• Don't Leave Anything Out - Be sure your teenager completes every requirement for the scholarship application before submitting. Incomplete applications are usually not considered, so it's critical to spend time doublechecking every application before it's sent. 

The Scholarship Search

When my oldest went through the college application process I really thought we were done when she submitted her last application. I was so wrong. Applying to college is nothing compared to what comes next -- the scholarship search. 

My youngest sent her final college application in November, well ahead of most deadlines. Thank goodness she did because we're both bogged down these days looking for opportunities to fund her future education.

We now spend our weekends searching for and applying for scholarships. The applications for many of them are as detailed and demanding as any college application, some of them even more so. Even scholarships offering a mere $250 routinely demand one or two personal essays, transcripts, ACT or SAT scores, personal references, and detailed college and after college life goals. 

I am truly grateful for every scholarship opportunity out there, but frankly the strain it puts on the family, and the time it takes away from other opportunities (like a part-time job) makes me wonder if they are worth our time.

They are, I'm afraid. The skyrocketing cost of college means students have to do whatever they can to minimize their debt load. As a parent, I'll do whatever I can to help.

So, if you're wondering how I spend the little free time I might have left after working, commuting, and sleeping, I can tell you. There's a good chance I'm researching scholarships. And nagging my kid to get back to it -- we only have eight months before that first tuition check is due. 

More on College

• Celebrating College Acceptance Letters

What Winter Brings

Winter gives me a legitimate excuse to do the things I enjoy most -- reading, binge-watching Netflix, and relaxing on cold, wintry weekends with hot tea and sweet baked goods. I need these months to regroup and prepare myself for the busier spring and summer months ahead.

This year, in particular, is likely to bring a whirlwind of activities: two graduations; college orientation; moving both children (one from home to college, the other from college to home); and who knows what else? And then there's the emotional toll all of these activities will take on me.

I've never been really great at managing change. A person of habit, change throws me off for a bit. If my children are going through a difficult time, that also wears me down emotionally, as I assume it does most parents. And they will go through tough times. Navigating from college to the real world is an adjustment, and heading off to college for the first time can also offer up challenges and feelings. I know my kids will have their ups and downs, as will I.

I will celebrate the wonderful changes that are coming our way, but I've lived long enough to know that there is no escaping the blowback from change, and those unexpected life events that pop up out of nowhere to let us know how fragile and vulnerable we all are. I guess I've been preparing myself lately for those as well.

That's why I have given myself full permission to take advantage of every potential moment to relax and engage in a little selfish indulging this winter. Every moment I can use to recharge is well worth the time it's given. I need these moments, and that means my family needs them, too.

Are the Young Adult Years the Hardest Phase of Parenting?

I find the young adult phase of parenting to be simultaneously the easiest and the hardest as a mom. Easy because there is no more childcare involved. My kids are independent -- feeding and driving themselves, managing their own time, and for the most part making their own decisions, both large and small. 

But this phase also presents a number of challenges to a parent. It's hard to refrain from holding back when you think your child might be making a bad decision. (It's also hard sometimes to know whether or not they actually are making a bad decision.) And choices at this age come with consequences, sometimes really harsh consequences. Something as minor as changing a college major can result in thousands more in student loans, for example. Don't get me started on the blowback of toxic friendships, unrequited love, or even true love. 

Girls, I suspect, may have the most to lose if they don't stay focused and determined at this age. How many friends can you name that gave up on careers or dreams of travel because of a relationship, or even the inability to make a decision? I'm not judging, just thinking, and hoping my kids hold off on certain decisions until they've knocked a couple of things off their own bucket lists. 

I certainly don't want my children to rush into any big life decisions, but I do sometimes think that it's a race against the clock. Get an education and start your career before something, or someone distracts you, I think to myself, and sometimes out loud. 

Yes, this might be the hardest phase of parenting, It's a nailbiter, for sure.

More on The Empty Nest Years

• Embracing the Looming Empty Nest
• Celebrating College Acceptance Letters

The Last One - The Buffer is Gone

When it was time to help our oldest move away from home it was exciting and tough all at once. But one thing that helped me through the transition was the fact that I still had a child at home.

My youngest gave me permission to do all the things I enjoy about parenting. The four-year buffer between the two children gave me plenty of time to go to high school volleyball games, help with school projects, bake brownies for fundraising events, advise on clothes and boys, and smooth over bad days. Things changed, but for the most part, my role was still the same.

This time, that won't be the case. There is no buffer. The home we return to after our youngest leaves for school will be without a child -- just an empty nest of memories, cats, and the thing I"m most afraid of -- quiet. And my role as a parent and my husband's role will change. We will go from active parenting to parenting from afar. From micro to macro. We'll still be mom and dad to our two offspring, but more as advisors. At least, that's what I expect it will be like if all goes well.

And that's something to celebrate because it means that we did our jobs as mom and dad, and now it's time for a well-deserved rest. But I know myself, and I know that there will be some ups and downs in this new empty nest of ours. I'll do my best to stay busy, but I know I need to get ahead of some of the emotions I'll feel now. I'll be anxious about my children living away from me, I'll worry about them, and I'll also feel some guilt. Guilt that I didn't save enough for college, guilt that I didn't get to do all the things I'd hoped we do as a family, guilt that I might have been too stern or too passive as a parent.

I have to get ahead of those negative feelings now before they settle in and get too comfortable.  Beating myself up isn't going to help anyone, and it's not fair. We did the best we could, and that has to be enough. I know it is for my kids, and it has to be for me as well.

More on The Empty Nest Years

• Embracing the Looming Empty Nest
• Celebrating College Acceptance Letters

The Looming Empty Nest -- Embracing it Despite Myself

I started this blog because my life is about to change, and there's nothing I can do about it. When my youngest heads off to college this fall everything will be different. The days of carpooling, helping with homework, staying up waiting for her to come home from dates, and hearing her and her friends giggle late at night will be over. I enjoyed it all so much, but I gotta move on.

So, I'm slowly developing a plan --a blueprint that will prepare me for the empty nest I'll be living in.

Here's what I have so far:

• I am going to enjoy a little peace and quiet for a little while. My husband and I spent 22 years parenting our daughters, and we did a pretty good job, if I may say so. I think it's only fair that we allow ourselves a little time to bask in the glory of a job well done. 

• I am making lists of things I've wanted to do these past two decades but never got around to because I was busy raising children and working. I have lists for books I want to read, classes I want to take, and movies I want to watch. Major traveling is out while our kids are in college, but there are some close-to-home destinations I'd like to visit. 

• I want to pet more dogs. We have a house of cats and bringing a dog into the mix just wouldn't work right now, but I do love them and I want to make time for them. My youngest used to volunteer at our local animal shelter and she truly enjoyed it. I think I can find the time to work some volunteer hours into my own schedule.

• My home is in fairly good shape for all the living that goes on here, but there are closets and drawers that clearly need attention. I've been watching Tidying Up with Marie Kondo on Netflix, and I'm learning a lot about how to declutter your home, to make the most of what's important. 

• Civic engagement has always been important to me and I would like to boost my participation in a number of organizations and causes. The hard part will be figuring out which ones get my time and attention.

• It's time for me to throw some attention to my husband, who has been waiting patiently on the sidelines for more than 20 years. It will be fun (and a little weird) when it's just the two of us again!

• I will no longer have an excuse to skip the gym or neglect my health. I can't say that I'll become a gym rat, but if I can work two or three workouts into my schedule every week, I'll be happy. 

More on Setting Goals for the Empty Nest Years

• Purging the Empty Nest
• How to Thrive in an Empty Nest

A Surprise from Home -- Packing the College Care Package

When my oldest first started college I sent a care package to her through her university. It was a simple click, buy, and deliver to her dorm. But it was just a bag full of candy, and she's fairly health conscious, so I decided in the future I would make and send my own.

I've enjoyed assembling care packages for her these last four years, although not as frequently now as a few years ago. Still, even in her senior year, I can put together a decent little goodie box and cheer her up when she's had a bad week or is stressed about exams, or boyfriend challenges.

I've included some strange (and not so strange) items in her packages, depending on the situation. Some of the items I've sent to her over the years include (in no particular order):

• Girly stuff like soaps, mini hand lotions, lip gloss, and sachets for her drawers

• Food items like microwave popcorn bags, peanuts, fresh fruit, dairy-free chocolate, tea, homemade hot cocoa mix, mini homemade banana bread, and spices (she loves to cook)

• Mini manicure sets, a new toothbrush, gloves, fuzzy socks, gift cards for pizza, Chipotle, or Starbucks

• Coffee, air freshener for the community bathroom, protein bars, new pens, pencils and highlighters

• Cash (of course), laundry nuggets, mini-stress balls, puzzles, a favorite book to read when she needs to regroup from a test or exam, small stuffed animal

• And finally, a personal handwritten note for encouragement. 

My daughter enjoys these little packages and she almost always calls or texts me right after opening them. To be honest, I like to send care packages because I get a kick out of putting them together, as much as she enjoys receiving them. It makes me feel connected when she's so far away.

More on College Care Packages

There are numerous online companies that will send a care package to your child with just a click (and a credit card) including carepackages.com and Campus Cube, but it's easy enough to pull one together with a trip to the dollar store and the market. It's also more fun for you.

If you want to go high end, Harry & David's or The Popcorn Factory offer fun gift sets at a variety of price points.

She's Never Home

It's occurred to me that my soon-to-be empty nest won't be much different from the one I'm living in now. My high school senior is hardly ever home these days. Between school, her friends, her boyfriend, extracurricular activities, and trips to the mall, my husband and I only catch glimpses of her as she runs in and out of the house.

Maybe college will allow us some quality time with her again? Maybe it will be a little easier to pin her down for a meal or (dare I suggest) an outing to the movies? I certainly hope so. I miss her already, and she's not even gone yet!

Celebrating College Acceptance Letters

My youngest worked diligently to get her college applications in early and her hard work has been rewarded. Before the holidays she heard from two schools, and another one just landed in our mailbox. All three acceptance letters!

It's been a joy to see her so excited, and I have to admit, I feel pretty good myself. All those years helping with homework, projects, field trips, and everything that went along with 12 years of public school have paid off.

But this isn't about me. It's about her. These colleges want her to be a part of their incoming class -- not me. We're equally excited. She hasn't made any decisions yet, and we have time before she has to commit. For now, we're just going to enjoy the glow that comes with the payoff of a job well done.

The Last Semester

My daughter's holiday break is over and today she heads back for her final semester of college. Banana bread is in the oven to go back with her, and I know she'll leave behind a few items that I'll end up shipping to her next week.

It's a routine I'm familiar with and like all routines it will change very soon. Now that I've gotten used to the college routine it's time for it to end. This summer we'll adjust to a new routine when she moves on to her next life milestone -- work, travel, who knows?

I'm a fairly flexible person, I can adjust.

It's very exciting to think about.