Four Things Empty Nesters Must Do

Your days of go-go-go are over, and your hard work has hopefully paid off. Your children are grown and gone and now it's time to turn your attention to your new life.

Oh, there will be tears (if you're anything like me). But you always knew that one day your kids would be out of the house and you would be left to figure out the rest of your life.

This may be easy for some, but harder for others. Many parents look forward to the empty nest years and see them as a time to lean in on careers, travel, or even redecorate the playroom. Others may marinade in a solution of restlessness, and may even think the only mark they've left on the world just moved out to begin their own life.

It doesn't matter where you fall on the empty nest emotional spectrum, if you want to make the most of the rest of your life you'll need to be proactive. How so? The answer is it depends. There isn't just one right path or one way to find fulfillment and happiness. To be honest, I think every empty nester needs to do these four things to begin and take control over life's next phase.

1. Grieve (or not). You may know parents who celebrate when the last child moves out, or who immediately embrace and thrive in an empty nest household. That's great for them, but if you don't feel as jubilant it's OK to grieve a little. Raising children can be a lot of fun, and having young children in your life can give you a sense of purpose that nothing else could ever come close to bringing. It's OK to grieve a little, and if you do, don't beat yourself up about it. You're entitled to be a little down, for a little while anyway. Give yourself a reasonable amount of time to work through your feelings. Once you have it's time to move forward.

2. Gather Your Support System. A support system is critical to getting through change and difficult times. Be sure you find your support system, be it friends, neighbors, co-workers, relatives, or pets. Surround yourself with people who will listen, encourage, and hold you accountable.

3. Embrace Ideas. You probably spent years nurturing your child's interests and passions, but now it's time for you to find interests of your own. Don't feel like you have to commit to any one thing, you can take a little time trying things out to see what you really want to do. You may decide to take up a hobby, take a class, or even start a business.

4. Write a Plan. The empty nest years are as important as any other phase of your life and to make the most of them you'll need a plan. Plan your hopes, goals, and expectations for 1, 3 and 5 years. What do you want to be doing? Where will your career be? What are your travel goals, your home life goals, your health goals? Be specific about where you want to be, and then chart your step-by-step path to achieving those goals.

The High Cost of Senior Year

Having a high school senior is expensive, to say the least. I found this out four years ago and again this year. It's a shame you can't use 529 accounts to help you through the list of events, traditions, and senior responsibilities that over time add up to a considerable sum. And I'm not even referring to the college application cost, which is also very pricey.

I've truly been shocked at the amount of money families are expected to shell out during the senior year.  With so many families struggling economically it seems silly and frankly, a little mean spirited to keep placing demands on their budgets, but that's the way it is.

Whether you, your child, or both of you cover these costs, or avoid them alltogether is a family decision you'll have to make. We chose to cover some of them, and let our daughter make up the rest. A few of these "traditions" we passed on entirely. Of course, there are ways to get around some of these expenses and cut costs.

If your child is approaching the final year of high school, here are a few things you may need to save for ahead of time.

Senior Dues: Senior dues will vary from school to school but expect to pay between $35 and $70, or more. They typically cover costs such as a senior breakfast, graduation tickets, and other graduation events. Prepare to stroke a check at the beginning of the school year for senior dues. Many schools will waive the cost of senior dues for families going through economic struggles so speak up if you need to.

Yearbook: Even if your child passed on yearbooks for the first three years you'll probably want your student to have one for the final year. If you order early you can shave a few dollars off the cost, which is around $70. Additional fees apply if you want the yearbook inscribed with your child's name, or if you decide it needs a special protective covering (it doesn't).

Class Ring: Both my children opted out of class rings simply because they didn't like any of the designs. I would have gladly paid but didn't argue as the savings were considerable. Class rings cost between $100 to $400, depending on the vendor. (Hint: many people don't know that you can order class rings through Wal Mart and online at various vendors, so shop around to find a ring design that you like at a price you can afford.)

Prom: Prom can be a serious expense, for any couple. I got lucky when my daughter found her dress online for only $80, but the cost of a dress or tux rental, shoes, flowers, dinner, and tickets can exeed into the thousands. It's a good idea to sit down with your child ahead of prom season to discuss a budget and expectations.

The Senior Trip: Many schools plan annual senior trips for the soon-to-be graduates. They may go to the city overnight, to the beach, an amusement park, or something else entirely. You're lucky if your child's senior trip is just a trip to the lake or an amusement park. Weekend trips to New York City or expensive spa retreats may cost more than a semester of college tuition. Again, discussions will help you and your child decide if these extravagances are really doable. Skip them if they're not and put the money towards a family vacation, college, a car, or something else entirely.

Senior Portraits: The school will likely cover the cost of the senior picture (the traditional cap and gown photo, or drape/suit photo) for the yearbook. But senior portraits will be on you. Professional photographers can produce amazing photos of your child in a setting of your choice, but expect sessions to begin at $300. Photos, photo books, and graduation announcements will cost even more. Prepare to spend $700 minimum, for the session and any photos you might order.

Or, get creative and ask a family friend whose good with a camera to take the photos and print them yourself on Snapfish or elsewhere. We asked one of my daughter's friends to take her senior photos, and we were so pleased with the results. Her $50 fee was budget friendly, and her photos fantastic!

More on Senior Expenses

• Thrifty Ways to Save on Graduation Expenses
• Streamlining the College Scholarship Process

The Scholarship Search

When my oldest went through the college application process I really thought we were done when she submitted her last application. I was so wrong. Applying to college is nothing compared to what comes next -- the scholarship search. 

My youngest sent her final college application in November, well ahead of most deadlines. Thank goodness she did because we're both bogged down these days looking for opportunities to fund her future education.

We now spend our weekends searching for and applying for scholarships. The applications for many of them are as detailed and demanding as any college application, some of them even more so. Even scholarships offering a mere $250 routinely demand one or two personal essays, transcripts, ACT or SAT scores, personal references, and detailed college and after college life goals. 

I am truly grateful for every scholarship opportunity out there, but frankly the strain it puts on the family, and the time it takes away from other opportunities (like a part-time job) makes me wonder if they are worth our time.

They are, I'm afraid. The skyrocketing cost of college means students have to do whatever they can to minimize their debt load. As a parent, I'll do whatever I can to help.

So, if you're wondering how I spend the little free time I might have left after working, commuting, and sleeping, I can tell you. There's a good chance I'm researching scholarships. And nagging my kid to get back to it -- we only have eight months before that first tuition check is due. 

More on College

• Celebrating College Acceptance Letters

What Winter Brings

Winter gives me a legitimate excuse to do the things I enjoy most -- reading, binge-watching Netflix, and relaxing on cold, wintry weekends with hot tea and sweet baked goods. I need these months to regroup and prepare myself for the busier spring and summer months ahead.

This year, in particular, is likely to bring a whirlwind of activities: two graduations; college orientation; moving both children (one from home to college, the other from college to home); and who knows what else? And then there's the emotional toll all of these activities will take on me.

I've never been really great at managing change. A person of habit, change throws me off for a bit. If my children are going through a difficult time, that also wears me down emotionally, as I assume it does most parents. And they will go through tough times. Navigating from college to the real world is an adjustment, and heading off to college for the first time can also offer up challenges and feelings. I know my kids will have their ups and downs, as will I.

I will celebrate the wonderful changes that are coming our way, but I've lived long enough to know that there is no escaping the blowback from change, and those unexpected life events that pop up out of nowhere to let us know how fragile and vulnerable we all are. I guess I've been preparing myself lately for those as well.

That's why I have given myself full permission to take advantage of every potential moment to relax and engage in a little selfish indulging this winter. Every moment I can use to recharge is well worth the time it's given. I need these moments, and that means my family needs them, too.

The Last One - The Buffer is Gone

When it was time to help our oldest move away from home it was exciting and tough all at once. But one thing that helped me through the transition was the fact that I still had a child at home.

My youngest gave me permission to do all the things I enjoy about parenting. The four-year buffer between the two children gave me plenty of time to go to high school volleyball games, help with school projects, bake brownies for fundraising events, advise on clothes and boys, and smooth over bad days. Things changed, but for the most part, my role was still the same.

This time, that won't be the case. There is no buffer. The home we return to after our youngest leaves for school will be without a child -- just an empty nest of memories, cats, and the thing I"m most afraid of -- quiet. And my role as a parent and my husband's role will change. We will go from active parenting to parenting from afar. From micro to macro. We'll still be mom and dad to our two offspring, but more as advisors. At least, that's what I expect it will be like if all goes well.

And that's something to celebrate because it means that we did our jobs as mom and dad, and now it's time for a well-deserved rest. But I know myself, and I know that there will be some ups and downs in this new empty nest of ours. I'll do my best to stay busy, but I know I need to get ahead of some of the emotions I'll feel now. I'll be anxious about my children living away from me, I'll worry about them, and I'll also feel some guilt. Guilt that I didn't save enough for college, guilt that I didn't get to do all the things I'd hoped we do as a family, guilt that I might have been too stern or too passive as a parent.

I have to get ahead of those negative feelings now before they settle in and get too comfortable.  Beating myself up isn't going to help anyone, and it's not fair. We did the best we could, and that has to be enough. I know it is for my kids, and it has to be for me as well.

More on The Empty Nest Years

• Embracing the Looming Empty Nest
• Celebrating College Acceptance Letters

The Looming Empty Nest -- Embracing it Despite Myself

I started this blog because my life is about to change, and there's nothing I can do about it. When my youngest heads off to college this fall everything will be different. The days of carpooling, helping with homework, staying up waiting for her to come home from dates, and hearing her and her friends giggle late at night will be over. I enjoyed it all so much, but I gotta move on.

So, I'm slowly developing a plan --a blueprint that will prepare me for the empty nest I'll be living in.

Here's what I have so far:

• I am going to enjoy a little peace and quiet for a little while. My husband and I spent 22 years parenting our daughters, and we did a pretty good job, if I may say so. I think it's only fair that we allow ourselves a little time to bask in the glory of a job well done. 

• I am making lists of things I've wanted to do these past two decades but never got around to because I was busy raising children and working. I have lists for books I want to read, classes I want to take, and movies I want to watch. Major traveling is out while our kids are in college, but there are some close-to-home destinations I'd like to visit. 

• I want to pet more dogs. We have a house of cats and bringing a dog into the mix just wouldn't work right now, but I do love them and I want to make time for them. My youngest used to volunteer at our local animal shelter and she truly enjoyed it. I think I can find the time to work some volunteer hours into my own schedule.

• My home is in fairly good shape for all the living that goes on here, but there are closets and drawers that clearly need attention. I've been watching Tidying Up with Marie Kondo on Netflix, and I'm learning a lot about how to declutter your home, to make the most of what's important. 

• Civic engagement has always been important to me and I would like to boost my participation in a number of organizations and causes. The hard part will be figuring out which ones get my time and attention.

• It's time for me to throw some attention to my husband, who has been waiting patiently on the sidelines for more than 20 years. It will be fun (and a little weird) when it's just the two of us again!

• I will no longer have an excuse to skip the gym or neglect my health. I can't say that I'll become a gym rat, but if I can work two or three workouts into my schedule every week, I'll be happy. 

More on Setting Goals for the Empty Nest Years

• Purging the Empty Nest
• How to Thrive in an Empty Nest

Purging the Empty Nest

I just stumbled on the new hot show on Netflix, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. Marie is an expert on organizing and the author of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. In the show, Marie (who is Japanese and uses an interpreter) visits American homes and helps the occupants purge and prioritize their spaces. She is truly remarkable, and is really more of a therapist than an organizer.

Her respect for the people she works with, and for their homes, seems sincere and her positive enthusiasm no doubt is what truly motivates her clients.

I'd love to pick her brain for an hour or two and ask her about purging two decades of my children's art work, report cards, Mother's Day cards, and other sentimental items. Kondo says you should keep items that "spark joy" and let go of all the rest. But that's easier said than done.

What kind of mother throws out pictures of her kids? Even bad pictures. Is there a special place in hell for those moms? Playing with fate, that's what it would feel like to me. Same for report cards, love notes, and sweet little drawings.

Purging my soon-to-be empty nest is on the horizon, but for now I think I'll watch Kondo and try to glean a few good ideas from her show. I suspect I won't be able to completely embrace her approach. At least, not now. I'm not ready.